I just keep working, keep trying to “remember them well”. I went online and bought a red coral star on a silver chain. Red for Ruby, and a star for Stella. It lies heavy against my throat, and it reminds me to live my life vigorously every day. With love, with music, with art, and with hope. I was able to listen to Cakewalk yesterday and only cry a little, that’s something. I miss them so much, but more than that I want to honor them. I want to live my life with laughter and happy tears.
So many memories flood me, and even more come to mind as the days go on. Has this tragedy brought on a mid-life crisis? Who knows, and does it really matter. I’ll record them, in short little “coughs” as best I can.
Today, I remember hanging a flyer at the first incarnation of World of Mirth, way back in 1993. Kathryn was reluctant at first, but gave in when I promised I’d only keep it up a week, in a little, nondescript corner near the entrance at the top of the stairs. I was looking for a roommate, and I figured anyone who shopped at WOM would be the kind of person I’d gladly share an apartment with.
I spent hours, composing every word with the care of a personal ad, and surrounding it with clever, retro clipart. I wanted it to fit in with the decor of the place, not stand out and look cheap. It seems silly now, but then I was so grateful she was letting me do this that I felt like anything less would let her down.
The roommate I found didn’t work out, but I’ll always remember this…she helped me pass through one of those rites of young 20’s-hood.
Am I putting too much importance on this small event of finding my first roommate? Maybe. Probably. Hell, that’s what nostalghia does, right? And I’m certainly in the throes of that at this point…Big Love.