It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)

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(…haven’t heard from “the job” yet so I’m not even going to go there, less I have another panic attack, yikes……in the meantime…)

“While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.”

This is what Bob Dylan was singing Sunday night at Falconi Field when my husband began to taunt Melissa Hart, staunch Republican, Congresswoman for the 4th District in PA, and I guess, Bob Dylan fan.

I had recognized and pointed her out earlier, more in disbelief at the irony than anything else. Can a Republican supporter of (I can’t even say his name without cringing) actually BE a Bob Dylan fan? Is she a Clash fan as well? Does she secretly attend Patti Smith and Billy Bragg concerts when no one is looking? Pumping her fist and going, “Yeah, yeah!”

I say “secretly” because she was up in the nosebleed seats with us, downing some beers and sitting with a guy who had a really big gut. I guess he likes beer and Bob Dylan. And he had this really big wart over his eye………

But I’m being shallow, right? Did I say she’s kind of hard to miss because of her huge horse face? Is that too cruel? Did I mention her outfit was, I don’t even know how to put this, beyond fugly? Yellow pants?

Okay, my Samantha Jones side is definitely out, I just think that even if you’re a Republican you ARE representing your constituents and for God’s sake if you need to hire a stylist… (shallow fashion-conscious lady being hustled out of the room while objective, more journalistic lady takes her place).

I’m not saying she can’t enjoy music outdoors on a warm, lovely summer evening, but BOB DYLAN? Puh-leez!

I wonder if she could even understand the words to “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)”? Granted, Bob is on the elderly side, stuck behind a piano, even his most dedicated fans are probably straining to understand the words, hell, they did even when he was young, right?

So my husband took it upon himself to sing the words, loudly. He rocks, and I told him so. I, admittedly, don’t know the words (I’m a fan, not a superfan) so all I could do was sit there and gulp down my third Samual Adams Summer Ale and marvel at the drama that was unfolding. And love my husband all the more for having the balls to point out the irony to everyone at Falconi Field.

See, I’m a political coward. I observe the irony. I may even write about the irony. But I don’t have the balls to actually ACT on the irony. It’s a problem I’m working on.

Anyway, when singing the words didn’t have the desired effect, my husband did what every good fan does at a concert…he started requesting songs, but adding the word “Melissa” at the end.

“MASTERS OF WAR……………MELISSA!!!!!!!!”
“MASTERS OF WAR……………MELISSA!!!!!!!!”
“MASTERS OF WAR……………MELISSA!!!!!!!!”

This worked beautifully. Finally, in true politico fashion, Melissa Hart left her seat, dragging her waddling boyfriend behind her. She introduced herself and shook his hand while I sat agape. Wow!

She was the true smooth-talking politician the whole way. “You seem to know me but I don’t know you. Enjoying the concert are you? Obviously you are a Bob Dylan fan, right? I am too. Enjoying the music? Great. Good to meet ya’. Glad to know ya’.” (imagine a pumping, manly handshake here).

In other words, forget I work for those “Masters of War” and just let me listen to the music. Sorry lady, you should have gone to Toby Keith maybe. Here it’s every man for himself.

Then she left. Everyone around us was wondering what just happened so we took it upon ourselves to tell them. They were equally shocked – none of them had even recognized her. Don’t they realize you should know your enemies? (okay, that was unobjective and unjournalistic and I apologize).

Hey, it was just our way of letting those who supposedly represent us actually know how we feel about it. Or it was my husband’s way. Did I mention he rocks? We’re a team. I recognize people and he fucks with them. It’s a system we have – or at least we do now.

p.s. go right now to google.com and type in “failure”. See what comes up? Quick, do it now before the guys at Google figure it out. Or maybe they did it on purpose………we can only hope.

p.p.s. thank god justice was swift in the Harvey case. Just like waiting for “the job” to finally happen, I can’t even go there right now. Still too painful. Not enough distance. I don’t rightly know in my heart which is better, death or life in prison. I’m against capital punishment…………I think. I used to be sure, and then my friends were killed.

Limbo

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This is what I feel like, and it sucks. Like one of those little Catholic babies that die before they’re baptised. Just floating aimlessly, no goal, no destination, nothing. Just wings and a head.

Okay, that’s not true, I do have a goal. I. Need. A. Job. Not just any job, but the one I have interviewed THREE times for. I’m not going to say when or where, because that would jinx things. And I am totally superstitious when it comes to things like this. Like getting the job I really, really want.

I’ve interviewed all summer but this job was the only one that actually whispered possibility in my direction. From the moment I drove to the site. It was like a little nudge going, “This is it.” But they haven’t called me back yet to confirm. There’s paperwork to create and sign, approval forms to approve.

I feel like I’m holding my breath. Tightly. When they call, whether yes or no I’ll exhale. But I sure hope it’s yes.

Since I quit teaching I have felt like this, directionless. Not sure where I’m headed, or “sure” only to find out, no, I’m overqualified. I’d be “bored” in this position. Of course, these were all for jobs I wasn’t even that interested in. It was just a paycheck. It actually hurts to have a job just within your grasp but you’re still unsure if they think that, yes, you are overqualified, or if in fact you are worth all that extra paperwork.

Is standing at a fork in the road too strong an image? How about a girl hoping for that phone call after the first date with a very special someone. Two totally hokey images, and both really appropriate right here. Shit.

Am I not seeing the positives? Probably. Hell, they’re CREATING a position for me, right? But saying and doing are too different things and the “worry momma” in me won’t shut up.

I don’t even have my stress dreams anymore. Every summer, starting about July, I used to get these nightmares about the first day of school. Apparently they are not all that uncommon. It’s the first day of school and you don’t have any plans prepared, your room is bare of posters or supplies, and every kid is a monster. You wake up sweating, panting, heart beating in your chest, and relieved it’s only July. Totally irrational, but it seems all my teacher friends have them.

Now I’m not dreaming of anything. Just nothing. At least I’m sleeping. I wake up and feel like I’ve run a marathon, just not sure where the hell I went. And I wander aimlessly through the house waiting for the phone to ring. For the “right” call to happen. This sucks.

Breathe girl, breathe……………call dammit! big love, jjl

Charlotte Update

I am overwhelmed. In 24 hours I have received 30+ responses, prayers, cards, well wishes, funny stories, and warm thoughts. I am so grateful, so overwhelmed to have such true friends. Thank you thank you thank you. Each of you will receive an email response as fast as my little hands can type them. :0)

An update:

All of this occurred Saturday night after we found her limping badly, we took her in Sunday – we picked her up Monday afternoon, her eyes so large and scared and a big scary bandage on her forearm where they had put in the IV. But here’s the thing……..her prognosis is GOOD. You can’t tell me that prayers don’t work, they do.

What they thought was a tumor is, MAYBE, just a cyst. They drained it and sent the fluid for analysis. But they really think it may just be a benign cyst, not lymphoma or thymoma, and this can be managed by checking it every so often.

She has some renal failure, but not bad. This can also be managed for the time being with medication and monitoring.

Her weight loss may be due to hyperthyroidism, which can also be medically managed. We’re also waiting on that test to determine this.

She’s also got high blood pressure and a slight heart murmur, which is also mild and can be medically managed.

Not bad for a 17 year old, huh? Just a few pills twice a day crushed up in her favorite soft food. I can’t believe how relieved I feel – my biggest worry was that she would be in pain, and be uncomfortable, and I wasn’t under any circumstance going to do anything invasive. I’ve been so lucky to have her for so long. Now it looks like at least she can be more comfortable, without a lot of unneccessary procedures, for a little while longer at least.

I just want her to have a good quality of life and from all the dear, sweet responses I got, all of you agree with me. God bless all of you so much. I haven’t felt such love in a long time, and I know it helped Charlotte recover that much quicker. She’s hobbling about today, unsure of whether we’re going to whisk her off to another place strange, but she’s slowly getting back to normal. Thank God.

Big Love everyone (Scottie, you hear me? 🙂
Nee Nee