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This is what I feel like, and it sucks. Like one of those little Catholic babies that die before they’re baptised. Just floating aimlessly, no goal, no destination, nothing. Just wings and a head.

Okay, that’s not true, I do have a goal. I. Need. A. Job. Not just any job, but the one I have interviewed THREE times for. I’m not going to say when or where, because that would jinx things. And I am totally superstitious when it comes to things like this. Like getting the job I really, really want.

I’ve interviewed all summer but this job was the only one that actually whispered possibility in my direction. From the moment I drove to the site. It was like a little nudge going, “This is it.” But they haven’t called me back yet to confirm. There’s paperwork to create and sign, approval forms to approve.

I feel like I’m holding my breath. Tightly. When they call, whether yes or no I’ll exhale. But I sure hope it’s yes.

Since I quit teaching I have felt like this, directionless. Not sure where I’m headed, or “sure” only to find out, no, I’m overqualified. I’d be “bored” in this position. Of course, these were all for jobs I wasn’t even that interested in. It was just a paycheck. It actually hurts to have a job just within your grasp but you’re still unsure if they think that, yes, you are overqualified, or if in fact you are worth all that extra paperwork.

Is standing at a fork in the road too strong an image? How about a girl hoping for that phone call after the first date with a very special someone. Two totally hokey images, and both really appropriate right here. Shit.

Am I not seeing the positives? Probably. Hell, they’re CREATING a position for me, right? But saying and doing are too different things and the “worry momma” in me won’t shut up.

I don’t even have my stress dreams anymore. Every summer, starting about July, I used to get these nightmares about the first day of school. Apparently they are not all that uncommon. It’s the first day of school and you don’t have any plans prepared, your room is bare of posters or supplies, and every kid is a monster. You wake up sweating, panting, heart beating in your chest, and relieved it’s only July. Totally irrational, but it seems all my teacher friends have them.

Now I’m not dreaming of anything. Just nothing. At least I’m sleeping. I wake up and feel like I’ve run a marathon, just not sure where the hell I went. And I wander aimlessly through the house waiting for the phone to ring. For the “right” call to happen. This sucks.

Breathe girl, breathe……………call dammit! big love, jjl

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