Tonight the gratitude is hard to find through the worry and anxiety. My girl had surgery today for a salivary mucocele and has to spend the night at the vet. I’m SICK to heart because I want to hold her and hug her and tell her it will all be better soon. She hates the rain and it’s raining hard right now and it’s dark. Sending my love and light to her with every fiber of my being. And I’m grateful that:
She came through surgery okay. She’s old, and I was worried the anesthesia would be hard on her heart. But she’s a strong girl. We wouldn’t have even done the surgery except it’s been bothering her a lot, she’s having trouble breathing and sometimes swallowing. If we can get through this, my gut tells me she’ll be much better.
I have Lois in my life. She’s my best friend, my confidante, the one I tell all my troubles too when the demons come and I doubt myself and my choices and my abilities.
I was able to write today. As emotionally sick as I feel, at least I was able to write.
Today I’m grateful that:
I sat and composed a list in Spotify of my Top 100 songs.
My essentials. The shit that gets me uplifted when I’m sagging. The ones I sing loudly to in the car, car dancing the entire way. The ones I lean on in troubling times. Like right now. These are the songs that make up who I am. At this moment in my life at least. Subject to change at any moment of course…
My lilacs finally bloomed after 3 years of waiting. The smell, light, airy, sweet, like Springtime flower petals dropping onto flagstones dappled in sunlight. Or something like that 😉
An afternoon nap on the couch with the window open. My first of the year.
Sweeping the deck and listening to Taj Mahal’s 21st Century Gypsy Singing Lovin’ Man
and getting a clear image of my mother dancing. She loved the blues. She loved Taj Mahal. And my grandmother’s loved gardening. In one moment it felt like 3 generations of women were living through me. It was lovely.
I’ve been feeling like shit lately and remembered that sometimes this makes me feel better. So here goes…today I’m grateful that:
Even though I’m scared to death Lois has to have surgery Monday, I was able to have several peaceful, happy moments with her today. Napping in the dappled sunlight, her soft breathing and the cawing of crows the only sounds. Her smile as she ventures forth to dig in the dirt and chew grass. Her soft snore as I rub her belly in the evening.
I’m able to grasp nanosecond moments of peace in between all my “feel like shit”-eyness. Noticing the Spring, the colors, the breeze, how the azaleas are fuller this year. Feeling grateful for that.
I can realize that this feeling won’t last forever, even though sometimes it sure feels like it. I will feel good again someday. Maybe even someday soon.